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Roberta, isn't she beautiful.
When I married Roberta, she was the most beautiful and precious thing to me. Unfortunately, in a very short I failed to see her as the most important gift from God in my life. I “acted” and “loved” the way many other men did. I really didn't love and respect her from the beginning the way I should have. Over the years I made a lot of excuses. I even tried to love the right way, but it never lasted very long, because it was never the way our Heavenly Father wanted me To Love. I failed to lead and love my wife and see her through God's eyes as a beautiful, loving daughter of His, and she has become a woman of great faith. Sadly, over the early years of our marriage, I loved other things more, including myself and hurt her in the process. I knew God meant for us to be together and still do. But I have failed and disappointed her so many times over the years From my late teens when I accepted Christ into my heart, I have always wanted to please God, but there again I failed many times too. However, He has always loved me and picked me up to try again. Restoration is at the heart of the Father, and I also know He wants to restore my marriage. But it will require more of me to go beyond anything I've done before, and that is to die to self-love and ambition. I need to quit trying to defend myself and accept the challenge Jesus did in the Garden; “not my will but yours be done.” I have gotten to know the Father’s heart better over the past seven years. But was still lacking in some areas. However, this past year has been the greatest change in learning to understand His grace. This is sometimes difficult to put into words. Yet I have seen the change in me and a desire to love my wife through Christ's love; not only in words, but also in my actions. My pride and emotions still try to get in the way, but that will change as I put First Corinthians 13, and Sheldon's words into practice. As most of you know, I left everything when I came to Mexico, including my wife. When I left our marriage was a mess, and that was not her fault, but mine. Unfortunately, in the process I hurt her even more including other family members, especially my daughter. No words can describe how badly I now feel or the emotional pain I must have caused all of them, plus the difficulties of Roberta having to live alone these past two and a half years that I have been gone. Even though I communicated regularly with her, it was not enough. I had past issues I was still dealing with that held me back. I admit it I have been a jerk many times, and hurt her far more than I will ever know. Roberta is kind, generous and loving and she has honored me, and she deserved a better husband than me. However, I am very grateful that she has put up with me, my blunders and my poor behavior at times, even after I came back to the Lord. As I said, it will take a lot of time for me to earn her trust again. I believe that this has been good for both of us too, despite the hardships at times. In this long season we both got to know the Father's heart better and learned to trust Him completely for all our needs. I'm not trying to “sugar-coat” my behavior, but God does works all these things for good, even our mistakes, into his divine plan. I have always felt in my heart God would restore our marriage, and I believe it will be better than we ever thought possible. Josephs' brothers sold him into slavery and in the process he became the prince of Egypt. Their actions were evil, but God meant it for good, and there was restoration. My past intentions and actions were also often selfish, mean or overly zealous for God, and in the long run Roberta has become a Princess that I will now be pleased to serve. This is not another project that I will loose interest in when it get too difficult, but a lifetime commitment. This time I will finish what God started, and she will be proud of the man she married, as I am of her. However, I also know I will be facing the biggest challenge of my life, but not an impossible one. God promised is to restore and to make all things new. And I’m counting on working with Him, in order to make that dream and promise come true. I enjoyed my time in Mexico, despite being alone much of the time. I have made many wonderful friends that I will really miss them. I also learn so much here, and I believed I helped plant some seeds for His Kingdom. I still believe God sent me here, but I could be wrong, and it would not be the first time. However, I'm trusting that, “all things work together for good for them who love God and are called according to His purpose.” Peter left his wife and followed Jesus, but then after His Ascension, Peter returned to love his wife the way Christ loved him. I've wondered how she must of felt about what he had done. God's ways are always different than mans. In this journey with God, I also learned that I wanted and needed a wife, MY WIFE, by my side, so together we can do even greater things wherever we are. Restoring our marriage may take much longer than I would like. However, it would be totally impossible without His help. Hopefully, I will do a much better job, with fewer mistakes and a better attitude. God has been creating in me a new heart and husband that will love his wife as Christ loves her. God always gives us the freedom to choose, and He knew all the choices I would make, including the one to return home to my beautiful wife and family. I will be leaving Mexico shortly as we both prepare our hearts for a new adventure together in Central Washington. Life with Abba Father, has many adventures and challenges. Hopefully, after this one, I will be an entirely new man, refined by the fire of God's awesome love and grace. I enjoyed writing on this blog site, it was never meant to be focused on me or hurt anyone. I wrote for an audience of One, my Heavenly Father. I love talking about Him, working with Him, and sharing the changes in me. HE IS MY LIFE. Forgive me for any arrogance in my words now or in the past, I don't always convey things the best way I could or should, and I certainly don't know it all. Only God does. In the future, if He desires for me to write more on this blog, it will be from the perspective of a loving husband and “we.” I thank God, my wife and Sheldon, and other friends like you for your love, prayers and support. I will close with these words from God that helped me decide it was time to go back home: “Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved His church.” Going home; sounds good to me! P.S. Have a great winter, spring and year, learning more from our Heavenly Father. While I was down here in Mexico I read the book, Redeeming Love, by Frances River, many many times that I had brought with me. Sowing it message into my spirit. If you have never read it, I highly recommend reading it, or again if you have. It’s an awesome novel on God's love and marriage. Check back with me June or later and see if I have anything more that we would want to share on this Blog. Until then, God bless you and keep on loving. |
